Super Silly-ous

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Maybe it’s because I like to eat. A lot. Or perhaps it’s because I have moments of chef-ness in my kitchen (feeding others makes me happy =). And ultimately it might be because I am fortunate enough to have spent my adult life in a foodie town such as San Francisco. Whatever the reason, I have a very healthy (some might say unhealthy!) appreciation for all things food-related. Enter my stomach’s muse — Food Network TV.

I wake up; I immediately wonder what I have to eat. I stuff myself at dinner; I still want a big dessert (or five…if you don’t believe me, just ask Jackie). I’m gaming in the middle of the night; munchies are mandatory. I’m at a restaurant; I order the special that normally feeds a family of four. I need to buy some seafood for one; I go to Costco. I’m writing a blog entry on Friendster about food; I end up eating a bunch of dried mango slices, lots of pieces of naan (three different varieties!), leftover biriyani/creamed spinach/curried shrimp, strips of snack nori and many cups of hot chocolate. For people such as me, The Food Network is both a gift and a time-draining curse. You know you’ve got it bad when you watch the original Iron Chef come on…and it only shows at 4:00am on weekday nights!

So, for my fellow Food Network aficionados, or the rest of my friends who are just really bored at work, I present to you Helen’s Ultimate Breakdown of Food Network TV Shows (cue drum roll please):

$40 A Day - Interesting at first until I realized that Rachel Ray plans these meals for either birds or bulimics! She meets her budget each day by eating a $3 twig for breakfast, a free cup of water for lunch, and then ta-dao, a $37 burrito that weighs 10 pounds for dinner. Talk about binging and purging… Also, spending under $40 per day on food isn’t that hard to achieve. I’d like to do the $20 A Day show and wow y’all with my frugal yet yummy choices!

30 Minute Meals - A decent show with homey recipes that work for busy people. However, what is up with Rachel’s insistence on carrying 50 things at once? And the orange eye shadow? Ewww…

Ace Of Cakes - Ah, Duff Goldman and his wild and wacky staff. I love them all because they are so anti-establishment and I think it’s very cool that he hired a bunch of fringe artist friends to work with him instead of your usual pastry chefs. For such a rough-and-tumble looking guy, he puts out some very pretty cakes.

All American Festivals - This occasional program (it doesn’t seem to have a regular programming slot) features random food festivals across the country. There are huge specialized events for things like pie, BBQ, beer, etc. And closer to home, one of the fairs they have featured is the Gilroy Garlic Festival.

Barefoot Contessa - I don’t watch her much because I think I need to be at least 20 years older to really appreciate her. With that being said, she does have a wicked chocolate chip cookie recipe.

Behind The Bash - I think Giada De Laurentiis is a sweetheart, but this show is surprisingly uninteresting, considering it’s all about glitzy parties with celebrities. “I only have one hour to make 10,000 crab cakes!” (SNORE) Also, I think it’s funny how she wears a “normal” outfit during the prep and then changes into a party outfit during the event, but basically looks the same since she’s always all dolled up.

BBQ With Bobby Flay and Boy Meets Grill - He’s cooking meat over an open flame. Need I say more? =9

Dave Does - Dave does what? This sounds like the beginning of a bad title for one of those videos…I don’t think I really need to watch this show!

Diners, Drive-ins and Dives - I’m all about food joints, so I like watching Guy Fieri find the greasiest food in the country. And just when I think I’ve learned everything there is to know about frying, someone somewhere throws something into hot oil and I’m like “I can’t believe they just fried that!” Also, I seriously think that Guy needs to go visit his cardiologist on a monthly basis.

Dinner: Impossible - Ah, was there ever a more cantankerous but still likable British chef? I think not! While I wouldn’t enjoy Robert yelling at me for botching some sous chef duties, I would still work in his kitchen anytime. His turnaround time is awesomely impressive…I want to see him take on all the Iron Chefs at once!

Easy Entertaining with Michael Chiarello - Ho-hum. Not great but not bad. He’s got some basic Italian recipes that I’m sure are tasty. Now if only we could inject him with some personality…

Emeril Live - I don’t like the show. I don’t particularly like Emeril. I’m sure he’s a fine chef and I’d try eating at one of his restaurants, but the excessive BAM-ing and weird humming make it too hard for me to watch. Also, if he’s got to “kick it up a notch” every single time, then doesn’t everything end up just average anyway?

The Essence of Emeril - This is surprisingly better than his live show because he doesn’t make as many strange noises while in the kitchen…he more or less just cooks. However, I think he went too far to the other end of the spectrum and ends up looking pretty bland, although still better than Michael Chiarello.

Everyday Italian - I’m not a guy, and I’m not a girl who likes girls [like that], but it really doesn’t hurt to have a good-looking host like Giada. She’s got the world’s biggest smile, but she’s such a cutie pie. Plus, I like her commentary as she strikes a nice balance of being informative and interesting, but not becoming distractingly chatty like a certain other brunette on The Food Network.

Food 911 – I haven’t watched this but I know it’s supposed to be about fixing a food issue, like if you over-salt something. However, for some reason it makes me think that it should be the title of a show where they check out the kitchens and recipes of firemen around the country. I hear those boys can really cook (and be hot calendar pinups!) so I’d totally watch such a show. Hey, maybe I should pitch this show to The Food Network with me as the host???

Feasting on Asphalt - This was a pretty cool road trip that Alton Brown went on. I still don’t want to eat sheep brains like he did, but I am looking forward to watching the upcoming second iteration. Hopefully he doesn’t break anything this time!

Food Finds - I’ve never heard of this one…I think it’s supposed to be about finding specialty food items, but all I can think of is that it should be a show about finding food in a survival situation, like in the middle of a desert. They could team up with Man Vs. Wild!

FoodNation with Bobby Flay – I haven’t checked out this show, but it makes me wonder how Bobby has time to even sleep with the bazillion shows that he films?

Food Network Awards - I didn’t get to watch this one, but I don’t know if I want to. I wonder how interesting could it have been as it seems like the awards would have gone to only the few chefs The Food Network keeps on their payroll?

Food Network Specials – This sounds like it could be good, but I don’t think I’ve watched any episodes yet. Are they just one time programs? I do know it’s not to be confused with The Food Network Challenge. =P

The Food Network Challenge – Very entertaining, although I don’t like how I’m starting to see the same faces at all the competitions. Hey producers…start scouring the country for new talent already! The sugar challenges are always the best because of the high potential of breakage, and the pieces are just so pretty. Makes me want to pull sugar and/or blow glass. Time to re-evaluate the career track!

Giada’s Weekend Getaways - There’s nothing wrong with this show, but it feels too similar to Rachel’s Tasty Travels show (which came first) to get me very excited about it. Also, I spend the whole episode wondering if/when her hubby will drop by, which is distracting.

Glutton for Punishment with Bob Blumer - I’ve only caught one episode so far as it’s a new show, but I am intrigued. You have to admire someone who is willing to push their stomach to the limit and do crazy things like enter pepper speed-eating contests with only a week of prep! Kobayashi, here comes Bob!

Good Deal with Dave Lieberman – I think this is the same guy in Dave Does. I’ve never watched it, but the title keeps making me think that David Letterman is about to come out and say “Good deal, or no deal?” and then Howie Mandel will barge in somehow.

Good Eats with Alton Brown - A classic. I really really really enjoy watching this show. I’m basically a nerd, so Alton’s factual science-y approach really appeals to my sensibilities. Throw in his goofy charm, Asian (yeah!) gadget mistress, realistic time-lapse (as opposed to the usual swapping out with the pre-cooked dish), and you’ve got a winner. I also must admit to liking his campy little skits. Did I mention I’m a dork too?!

Good Food Fast with Family Circle – I have no idea when this is on. Plus, I didn’t know Family Circle was still around! I’m not trying to be mean, but I just don’t know anyone who reads it…do you???

Guys’ Big Bite - Guy basically cooks the kind of real-man-food he finds on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. Bring on the mondo rack of ribs!

Ham on the Street - This show was a little too random for me. I didn’t mind George Duran’s humor, but I just didn’t think he tied in his comedy routine with the food and show very well. Plus, I don’t think it’s a good idea to mix jokes with food…too many sprayed airborne particles are usually the unfortunate result. =\

Healthy Appetite with Ellie Krieger - I have no idea what this one is about, but hopefully it’s more than just eating a lot of tofu and micro-greens. Also, is it bad that I haven’t hit a point in my life yet where I’m really analyzing nutritional content and caloric intake? Bad Helen, bad…

How To Boil Water - Another show I haven’t watched, but hopefully there’s a big bachelor audience…those guys need to survive somehow before they get married off!

The Hungry Detective – This probably isn’t fair of me, but whenever I try watching this show, all I can think of is the stereotype of big cops in donuts shops. And it doesn’t help that Chris Cognac is a big cop. So when he tries to talk about eating “healthy” while on the beat, I obviously have a hard time taking him seriously. But I will still say this is a great show because he is a cop with cop friends and I’m not stupid. Usually.

Inside Dish With Rachel Ray – Rachel Ray chats it up with a celebrity before cooking with them and/or attending a meal together. My, she certainly is ubiquitous, isn’t she?

Into The Fire – Okay, this show title should totally be for the firemen and their food idea that I had earlier! =D Alas, it’s about the behind-the-scenes of restaurants. (yawn) I haven’t watched it. (double yawn)

Iron Chef - Ah, this show makes me want to reign supreme! The Chairman’s shirts are awful frilly monstrosities, I’m tired of the pasty actresses and their breathy giggling, the dubbing is incredibly campy (I am a woman who likes her Asian movies with subtitles), but the food, oh, the food! If those dishes taste half as good as they look, then perhaps I too would be reduced to breathless giggles. I wouldn’t change a thing!

Iron Chef America – A very good although of course a weak sauce version of the original. Morimoto is strangely subdued, Cat Cora seems to lose more than win (then why is she an Iron Chef?!), and having floor reporter Kevin Brauch seems unnecessary. Oh, and for the 20th time, the host is NOT The Chairman’s nephew…it’s called acting! Also, in the event of a tie, they should have another cook-off like the Japanese do.

Kitchen Accomplished – Considering how much I like before-and-after shows, like flipping homes and makeovers, this show doesn’t do much for me. I can’t say it’s bad, but kitchen makeovers by themselves aren’t so thrilling. Maybe it’s because I want them to continue remodeling the rest of the house, or have Cat Cora live there as a private chef for a while, or find out that the homeowners become crazy master cooks, but no, none of the above. =(

Molto Mario - Although I think Mario Batali is an incredible chef, I can only take so much of his orange clogs (are they Crocs? Yuck!) so I pass on this show.

The Next Food Network Star – Decent, but if I want Survivor-style food competition, I’m still going to prefer Top Chef. These competitors either can’t cook or are afraid of the camera. Why are they trying to be Food Network stars then?!

Nigella Bites - Why would you have a show that declares how you suck? =P

Nigella Feasts - Uh…maybe she should get together with Dave Does…

Party Line With The Hearty Boys - I’ve never watched this, but I will say that I think it’s lame that these two could enter as a couple in The Next Food Network Star show. I mean, what’s next, someone wanting to compete with their entire extended family? I’m sure they are a great pair, fun to watch, make good food, etc., but let me put it this way…would you be okay if a couple wanted to compete in Project Runway, a spelling bee, or an election together? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Paula’s Home Cooking - I used to like this show…I mean, Paula Deen puts at least a stick of butter in every dish that she makes, including salads! And Helen + butter = happiness, most of the time. But after a while her food just didn’t look that good anymore…everything is so, so, well, yellow! Can one get jaundice from too much butter?!

Paula’s Party - I’ve only tried watching this once, but never again. I’m sure she is a sweet and wonderful woman in real life, but watching a married older woman (with grown children) flirt with all Y chromosomes that cross her path is just too much. She kisses guys every chance she gets, giggles like she’s in junior high and makes creepy innuendos towards men throughout the entire show. Totally gross.

Quick Fix Meals with Robin Miller - I’ve never seen this one, but is it like a poor man/woman’s version of 30 Minute Meals? Sorry Robin…I’m not trying to diss you but Rachel Ray is the one with the talk show…

Rachel Ray’s Tasty Travels - There’s nothing wrong exactly with this show, but I always get the nagging feeling that all the places showcased here are the rejects from $40 A Day. =(

Recipe For Success – Food entrepreneurs are featured who are trying to grow their business or just simply break even. The show follows them as they try to realize their goal of opening another branch or starting a mail-order business or other such small business steps. Pretty interesting actually, especially when you see how these people will gamble their life savings or take other similar drastic measures (some move back home with their parents!) to try and make their culinary dreams happen.

Restaurant Makeover - I can’t say if this show is good or bad…it just is what it is. I guess the producers thought mixing “Flip This/That House” with a cooking show would be good viewing? One episode does stand out in particular, when an owner either didn’t have enough money, or didn’t want to deal with the permits for gas lines, so he installed an electric stove in the kitchen. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, an ELECTRIC stove in a restaurant. Nobody even wants an electric stove at home, so needless to say, he had trouble finding a chef willing to cook on it.

Road Tasted – Paula’s sons seem like cool guys, and there’s something to be said about Southern gentlemen! And since the point of this show is to let the viewer know how to get the exact same food they are eating (via delivery), it’s not as frustrating as other shows where the host gets to eat yummy food while you just watch enviously. However, I can’t believe how much it costs to deliver some of these things! For a sample of the over-the-top markup, just watch the Philly cheesesteak episode. Unbelievable!

Roker On the Road - I’ve never seen this, but I’m still debating if I’d want big or small Al Roker to be hosting a food show.

Sara’s Secrets – No idea what this one is about, but doesn’t it sound like the name for a TV movie on Lifetime? Probably about anorexia, or drug abuse, or both?

The Secret Life Of… – A fun and informative look at the history and making of foods. I haven’t had the opportunity to watch many episodes, but I’ve enjoyed the few I caught. I think they switched or are switching hosts though, so I wonder what the backstory on that is.

Semi-Homemade Cooking With Sandra Lee - First of all, I wonder if she is related to Sara Lee? Secondly, although I think this show definitely fills a niche and does have helpful hints, what is up with her over-the-top tablescapes as well as her disjointed hair/makeup/outfits? Full Kabuki makeup with cargo pants? Pearls with a logo t-shirt? Aunt Edna’s entire wicker collection piled on a table with feather boas, all masquerading as “elegant” decor? Someone needs to call either Queer Eye or What Not To Wear for her, stat!

Simply Delicioso - This is a new show, and I guess I’ll try to give it a chance and watch at least one episode. But if that “chica” (she’s supposed to be cooking yummy Latin-inspired food but her last name is Hoffman?!) tries to give me that doofy finger snap in the face, I am not responsible for what happens to my TV screen or her website guestbook.

Sugar Rush - I am neutral about this show…the host is nice and he’s talking about sweets, so he can do no wrong. However, the commentary is just totally dull. On a personal note, I stopped by his store when I was in the D.C. area and he does make some very delicious cupcakes! And while I was enjoying said yummy cakes with frosting, who should stop by but Warren Brown himself! I didn’t say hi or get a photo op (I’m from L.A. and we leave celebrity oohing and aahing up to the rest of the country but I did notice that he is a very tall man. Not as tall as my identical 6′7″ Slovakian twin brother Peter, but close!

Sweet Dreams – I haven’t watched this show before, but I found out it’s about desserts, which means I have to watch it. =) However, when I looked up show times, it plays at 4:30am on Fridays…ack!

Throwdown with Bobby Flay - It’s entertaining to watch, but they need to find more impartial judges. The judges always say things like “I’ve been eating Jessica’s pancakes for years and I love them! I will now sit down to judge Bobby’s and her pancakes with absolutely no bias.” Oh, and also, even when the judge is a neutral party, if they just pick the dish with the extra weird flavors, 90% of the time it will be Bobby Flay’s. He can never just make a good old-fashioned meatloaf, it has to be all funkified.

Top 5 – This show sounds like it’s interesting. I like lists of things, as well as countdowns, so I would probably like watching this. However, seeing as how it is on Mondays at 9:30am and I have this thing called a full-time job, I don’t think I’ll be catching it anytime soon. =P

Tyler’s Ultimate – I have not watched any episodes of this show, but apparently it is like Good Eats minus all the science. I’m sure the food is delicious but like a good little nerd, I do like juicy scientific facts!

Unwrapped – Ah, Mr. Double Dare himself, Marc Summers! This show can be interesting, especially all the assembly line shots. Even though it’s been many decades since we’ve automated the processing and packaging of foods, I still watching mechanical stuff like the speed conveyor belts and robotic arms.

Wolfgang Puck’s Cooking Class - I like the Wolfgang Puck restaurants. I like his frozen pizzas. But this show, not so much. Nothing against his culinary skills or charisma or recipes, but I simply cannot understand what he is saying a lot of the time. Now, I’m not blaming him or his accent…he seems like a good guy. Maybe it’s just me…when they were handing out the foreign accents comprehension part of the brain, I seem to have missed out. Sorry Wolfie.

So there you have it. Helen’s exhaustive (and exhausting!) article on every single show the Food Network has listed. If you made it all the way down to here, kudos to you! You’re either a great friend who likes to read, or you need to find a more challenging job. =) Anyway, stay tuned next time for my coverage of the other network that I can’t stop watching (hint: it’s the one all the metrosexuals are talking about)!